Grant Strobl Fought the Pronoun Wars -- and Won!

By Todd Starnes

When future generations read about the “Great Gender Pronoun Wars” of the early twenty-first century, they will most certainly learn of Grant Strobl – a noble and mighty king.

“His Majesty” is an unlikely title for a 21-year-old political science major from Grosse Pointe, Michigan. 

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“It was definitely activism by accident,” he told me.

In less than 24-hours, the brave conservative single-handedly defeated an army of gender neutral activists at the University of Michigan.

Think David versus a gender confused Goliath.

The University of Michigan recently announced a new initiative to allow students to select their preferred gender pronouns through an online service.

Want to be a shrubbery? What about a sloth? Well, you can be anything you want to be at the University of Michigan.
— Todd Starnes

It was designed as a way to help professors tell the difference between the guys and the gals and the zi’s and the zir’s.

“Asking about and correctly using someone’s designated pronoun is one of the most basic ways to show your respect for their identity and to cultivate an environment that respects all gender identities,” wrote Provost Martha Pollack in an email to students and faculty.

It’s all part of the university’s effort to foster an “environment of inclusiveness.”

The university actually created a “pronoun committee” to ensure that faculty members “play a vital role in ensuring all of our community feels valued, respected and included.”

It was in that spirit of inclusivity that Grant decided to have a bit of fun. He logged into the university’s computer system, clicked on the “Gender Identity Tab” and promptly declared his new designated pronoun.

“You could put anything you wanted into the system,” Grant told me. “So I did.”

And so it was in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Sixteen that Grant Strobl came to be known as “His Majesty” – Noble Ruler of the Wolverines.

Yes, good readers – Grant Strobl changed his designated pronoun to “His Majesty.”

“’His Majesty’ is not a pronoun, but neither is zir or zi,” His Majesty told me. “None of them are recognized in the English language. Everything is completely arbitrary now. You can identify as anything you want.”

Want to be a shrubbery? What about a sloth? Well, you can be anything you want to be at the University of Michigan.

“I thought it was definitely fitting to point out how absurd this new policy is by choosing ‘His Majesty,’” His Majesty said. “It’s a recognized honorific and it is definitely absurd for anybody to be called ‘His Majesty’ in America.”

His Majesty, who is also the founding chairman of the Young Americans for Freedom chapter at the University of Michigan, has already generated a bit of outrage.

“Plenty of students have been saying that I’m not supportive of LGBT rights or LGBT students on campus,” he said. “They say I’m disrespectful.”

But His Majesty said that’s just not true. He doesn’t even expect his subjects to bow or curtsy.

“As a Christian, I believe that all lives are valuable,” he told me. “I love all people. And I have no problem with people choosing a designated pronoun.”

But the university’s young ruler is concerned that professors might be punished if they refuse to identify a student by their preferred gender pronoun.

“Once we go down that road, it’s very dangerous for our society and our democracy,” he said.

Perhaps His Majesty could issue a royal decree to banish such academic tomfoolery?

Quite frankly, I’m taken aback by the lack of tolerance from the university’s LGBT community. If His Majesty wants to identify himself as royalty – who are they to object?

“If they want me to be tolerant of their pronouns, they have to be tolerant to my new title,” His Majesty said. “Many of the students on campus who call for diversity – they only want diversity for ideas they agree with.”

I hope His Majesty King Grant has a long and prosperous reign at the University of Michigan. Let’s pray he can fight off the invading horde of leftwing intolerants.