The following is a friendly public service announcement to parents with children attending a taxpayer-funded university. Your kid may be coming back home for Thanksgiving with a load of dirty laundry and a load of woke ideology.
It can be a shocking experience for unsuspecting parents just happy to have little Billy home for the holidays.
You ask Billy to pass the giblet gravy, but instead you get an earful about how the Pilgrims waged genocide on the Indians. And then he tells you that Billy is his dead name. And prefers to go by Laverne.
That’s a clear-cut sign that your child has been brainwashed and indoctrinated.
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The University of Buffalo, for example, is hosting an event about “decolonizing Thanksgiving.” Students will explore whether we should mourn Native communities.
Washington University in St. Louis wonders if we should be celebrating at all. Same at Indiana University and the University of Oregon.
Your options are somewhat limited, especially around the holiday season. My recommendation is to call a Catholic priest. Perhaps they could perform an exorcism on your wayward child? For Baptists, I recommend forcing Billy to watch an “Andy Griffith Show” marathon. A healthy dose of Barney and Aunt Bee should be enough to set your kid back on the straight and narrow.
Regardless, you might want to have some antacid tablets at the ready just in case Billy (pardon me, Laverne) picks an argument with Uncle Larry about the virtues of a bean curd bird. One final thought – if your college-aged kid announces he’s got new pronouns – immediately dispatch him to the kid’s table.
